Small Steps: Sacrifice?

I have been working on Simplicity. I have not posted for a week. I was working on focusing on the next thing to do and writing blog posts, while on my mind, and I composed some great ones in my mind, did not get to the computer. So this will probably be long as my thoughts are racing right now - if you don't finish this, no worries, I think I am going for a brain dump.

The anger is starting to go away. The anxiety is creeping in. Actually, more like thundering in. And I am trying to give thanks for all things. I have been reading Ann's book One Thousand Gifts (a highly recommended read!). But for all the thanks I give, there are still more whys. And staying focused on the now, and not worrying about the future is a struggle. And trying to not be focused on stuff and money and bills and jobs and .... is a struggle.

And I got to church this past Sunday and I hear Father read Matthew 6: 24 - 34:

Jesus said to his disciples:
“No one can serve two masters.
He will either hate one and love the other,
or be devoted to one and despise the other.
You cannot serve God and mammon.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink,
or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds in the sky;
they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns,
yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are not you more important than they?
Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
Why are you anxious about clothes?
Learn from the way the wild flowers grow.
They do not work or spin.
But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor
was clothed like one of them.
If God so clothes the grass of the field,
which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow,
will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’
or ‘What are we to drink?’or ‘What are we to wear?’
All these things the pagans seek.
Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given you besides.
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.
Sufficient for a day is its own evil.”

And, I swear, I tried to give myself whiplash when I swiveled my head to my husband. And we looked at each other, and I knew: God did this for me! Isn't He sweet? He arranged the readings so I could hear this at Mass this Sunday knowing this is what I have been struggling with for a while! And a reminder that He will take care of everything. And I only have to stay small and simple and trust that His way is better than my way, even if I don't think it makes sense. So, now that I get this lesson, my problems are going to be fixed right now - that's how it works, right?

Um, not so much....
I went home from Church and started to read ahead and read this month's virtue: Sacrifice.

It's a conspiracy, I tell ya - a conspiracy! Just when I am convinced God is going to do something great for me when I figure out some little thing that probably I should have acknowledged a long time ago; God gives me a new thing I don't want to think about. Just when I got the hang of simplicity, I get SACRIFICE.

Ugh. I so don't like that word. It just bothers me for some reason. Still. Maybe because I spent most of my life being told sacrifice means doing something you don't want to do. And sacrifice is always painful.  Maybe because when I was received into the Church 16 years ago this Easter, I wasn't really doing it for me, and I wasn't doing it with all my heart. And I certainly didn't do it joyfully. Actually, if I remember the night correctly, my 1 1/2 year old daughter and husband were my only family there and I was more concerned about being very hugely pregnant and waddling in front of everyone, than I was excited about what was about to take place at the altar. Because, I had learned the basics of being a Catholic in RCIA class, but not the HEART of the being Catholic.

For the past 15+ years, I have been learning the HEART of being Catholic. I have been learning to readjust my thinking on sacrifice. And each Lent I think I get it a little bit more. Christian sacrifice is a little different from the sacrifice I grew up with. For me, right now, sacrifice is about giving up something I enjoy in order to show more love for something or someone else: giving up sleep for a 4am head rub kneeling by a sick daughter's bed, or giving up prime reading time for an 11pm backrub for a hurting teen while squished awkwardly on her bed, or listening to the same speech over and over again. I am good at this kind of sacrifice. The mom kind. I have had over 17 years of practice.

But I am learning I have a long way to go. I am having difficulty with sacrificing my control and pride in order to let go of the anxiety and thoughts of having to fix it all for everyone. Cuz really, God is busy. I am just trying to help Him out a little - OK, maybe a lot. He is really busy, after all. And as a mom, I am usually the one to fix things and make it all right. And after all this practice I deserve to be able to fix it all and take the title of "Supermom of the Universe" - aren't I?

[I am reading this and thinking - "wow, you are so DUMB sometimes."]

 So I am coming to the conclusion that maybe I don't DESERVE this title , I just want it. And I want it, because then I can look good, and everyone can point and say: "There she goes, 'Supermom of the Universe'" And I will look good - here.

But is this where I really want to look good? Shouldn't I rather want to look good for God in Heaven?

When these thoughts are in my brain, they sound good and make sense. And when I do a 'dump' and put them in the Light, they start to sound not so good and a little funky. Which is probably why I really don't like talking about all this - it so doesn't sound as good outside my brain as it does inside my brain.

So, this week I am going to focus on the 'Think' and 'Pray' from March 2nd:

Think

"Unhappy is the soul enslaved by

anything that is mortal."

St Augustine

Pray

If I am honest, Lord, the things that weigh on me are

mortal things. When I walk in faith and remember

that you have a plan for me, I am at peace. Remind me

that you want me to walk with my hand firmly in your

friendship. Don't let me enslave myself to mortal things.

Who knows, maybe by the end of March I will finally start to get this sacrifice thing. I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me this week, I think, maybe.

Off to see what everyone else has to say at Elizabeth's about this month's virtue.