A Veiled Post

It' has been a while since I have got to this space. My daughter informed me there are things that must be mentioned here: I will get to them in another post or two; or more!. -I hope

I think some of the reason I have not been here is that I have had this post in my head and I really didn't know if I should put it out here or not. And I realized I was worried about what others might think. About 4 in the morning it came to me... this blog is for me.  So, really, who cares what others think - I need to get this out, mostly because I need to remember why.

Why what? you ask. Well, wearing a veil.

This Lent has been so difficult. Mentally and emotionally more than anything. And wearing my veil has become difficult for me. I don't want to. Well, to be honest, I haven't really wanted to from the beginning. God wants me to. And I guess I just need to review this story to make sure I remember why I put that black lace on my head.

It all started about 3 or 4 years ago or so when I started reading a lot more about women wearing a veil to Mass. I remembered a woman at my church many years ago who always had - well, I can't really call it anything but a square doily - on her head at Mass. She was one of the first people I met at my church after my conversion (way back in 1995) and she was very nice. But I have to admit to being very judgmental about her as well. She always wore a skirt, flats, and a very plain blouse; and the square doily at Mass. I thought she was very weird. But I also noticed she was very kind and gentle - ALL.THE.TIME. So there is my first exposure to veil-wearing: a square doily on a very nice, kind, weird person.

Anyway, back to my more current exposure to veil wearing. I was reading about all these other moms who were wearing a veil, or contemplating wearing a veil and I was... intrigued. And I find out one of my best friends, also a convert, wears a veil to Mass. Of course, she attends the Latin Mass, so that's ok for her, maybe still not so much for me.

And for about a year or two, the thought of getting a veil kept popping in the head. I would go to a religious store and look at them. I would find them online and think about them. I, of course, would justify not getting one due to cost. And then I was at the Divine Mercy Shrine in Western MA on my weekend away with a friend and I just decided to get one. Yep, I bought one. It was only $10 so I HAD to get it! And it stayed in its plastic pouch for a bit.

After a few weeks, I decided to wear the veil to Adoration. I had been wearing my jacket with the hood on because I felt strange sitting in front of Jesus without something on my head. I figured I could wear the veil at Adoration because at my weekly Adoration, I was with my husband and my best friends, and at my monthly Adoration, it was 4am and I was usually alone so no one would be there to look at me funny. And it felt good! OH, what a difference in Adoration with a veil!

So for a few months, I wore my veil at Adoration and it was good. And then at my monthly Adoration in September 2011, I had the overwhelming feeling of disappointment come over me. And then, I heard the voice: "what's the matter, Karen, you too ashamed to wear that at Mass for Me?" Oh, Yeah - nothing like hearing voices in your head at 4:30am while 'alone' in a church.

Later that night we were at a cookout with my Adoration buddies and I was telling them about the voices and they were very encouraging.

(of course my husband suggested I wear the veil, which is black, and an all black outfit and he would go to a different Mass and I could see how many people thought he died - a sick, sick man he is!)

Anyway, I wrestled with the wearing of the veil and decided to do it - who am I to argue with the voice in my head?

What an eye-opening experience that was! I never realized how judgmental I was at Mass: 'look at that outfit!', 'why would anyone think that is ok to wear to Mass?' 'Mass isn't over, why are they leaving?' and on and on. And sitting there in the front of church, the only one wearing a veil, I realized that I could only imagine what people were thinking about me. A most unpleasant experience! This really culminated after Mass when someone I knew came up to me, flicked the veil and said: "my, aren't you the holy one." (yes, please read that again with the sarcastic voice) Ouch. Is that what people were thinking? Is that what I wanted people to think? Because, I really had to discern if I was doing this for my good or for God. A long and painful discernment process took place over the next few months or so. My family, especially my older daughters would prefer I didn't wear that thing on my head. My mom actually told me I looked like 'an old Portuguese woman.'  Frank, of course, didn't care! God bless that man!

In the end, I realized that as I really didn't want to do this was a pretty good indication that it wasn't for me. And of course the peace I feel is a wonderful confirmation!

To veil or not to veil: not necessarily a question for everyone, but a question that I had to answer with a 'yes!'

Ah, it feels good to remember why I am doing this.

I needed this!